The first time I saw Micky was when I went to the breeder to pick him out of the litter. There were 4 puppies there all together: 3 black boys and one little white girl. The little white girl was the perfect poodle - white with all black nails, lovely coat etc. She would have been the perfect show dog. My mum would have loved her… But when I walked in there and saw all the puppies I fell in love with the under dog… All the puppies were jumping up wanting to play and impress their potential new owner… All except Micky. He showed excitement but was a little withdrawn as if he was thinking “I have tried all this… No one ever picks me, I’m just going to sit here and hope for the best…” I turned to the breeder and said “I want that one” and pointed out little Micky. The breeder looked a little shocked. She breeds amazing show poodles and he was hardly the perfect specimen. He was much too small, his black coat was not rich and thick, but rather a dull grey/brown growing in thin tufts and he had long gangly legs. The breeder turned to me and said “You know he’s the runt dont you?” I did, but didnt care. He was who he was and I loved him right away for his imperfections.Micky didnt have the best welcoming party, as when I showed him to my Mum she was still heavily mourning Abby and could barely even think about another dog. I used the excuse of my Mum, but really he was for me… When Abby died she was all I had. We had just moved to a place I hated (but now fondly call home), I had no friends, felt awkward in my new house and barely knew the new people I was living with. Abby was my salvation and I just didnt know what to do without her. Mum always said that Abby was an angel who came to our family to teach us all how to love again and bring us all back together. Mum is really right, Abby did do all of those things, but she departed before I was ready. Mum was finally happy and could go on without her, but I was just lost. I still needed her more than anything and she was taken away from me. Because of all of this, I needed Micky… But Mum couldnt deal so he went off to live with Adam. Luckily not too long after, Adam went travelling so Micky came to live with us on the farm where he belonged all along.

I moved on not too long after and had to leave him behind while I went off to finish high school and uni. The dogs were always on my mind and I loved coming home to see them. So many times over the years I was away I received phone calls from my Mum informing me of various accidents Micky had been in… A grass seed lodged in his head, kicked by a cow, fallen off the back of a ute, fallen off a boat and had to swim to shore, fallen from upstairs to downstairs onto solid concrete… And finally the dog attack. He lived through everything - I just thought he would get through this also.

I have always just felt an extra special connection with Micky… even though I love our other dogs also, Micky just always represented something special to me… Even though at 13 years of age Abby was my best friend and I needed her, and her blood ran through Sophies veins, Micky was meant to be my new best friend… Someone to get me through the times that Abby wasnt able to… Its just so hard to imagine life without him now. It doesnt matter to me that I am now 23, married and “all grown up”, I still needed him. I feel like all the dogs that touched our lives were meant to move on after they had done what they were put here to do, and I almost feel robbed that I cant find my own personal reasons that they had to leave ME. Selfish? Maybe… But I dont know what else to think or how else to feel. I know I have my own special babies who each represent something amazing to me, and although that means the world, I cant help but think why we all had to be robbed of Micky.

Lilie came to me when I needed her… And she really needed me. She was abused and neglected and just needed love. I couldnt go on another day without having a dog of my very own to love and care for, so we were meant for each other. Frankie came to help us all… and to help Lilie a lot. Combined, they both taught Michael about the love of a dog, no matter the size or breed. He’s grown to love these dogs like children… When we first got Lilie, Michael didnt even want to touch her because she wasnt a “manly” dog… she was small, white and fluffy and wore a pink collar. Michael didnt want Frankie either, but it didnt take long for them to form a very special bond which I see every day.

Michael took to Micky and Sophie very quickly also, and although he’s being very strong helping me deal with my grief, I can see that he is grieving too… His reasons may be different to mine but they are reasons nonetheless. Michael looks at Micky as a dog who represented something to him… The first dog that was not his own, who he could appreciate for a brilliant personality and a lovely character. Before meeting him, he would have just been another dog to him, but now that he knows the importance of animal love, he sees that, and he really saw that in Micky. Micky helped Mic to realise that every dog is important to its family and every dog has love. Mic loved Micky and thought of him as his family because they are both part of mine.

I am not totally sure how to deal with Micky’s passing… I know I need to be strong for my Mum, but I’m just not sure how to do that. I feel a very strange emptiness and that void isnt even filled by looking into the eyes of my own dogs. Looking into the eyes of Lilie and Frankie fills my heart with love, but also a great sadness. I know it will all pass and in time I will find a way to deal with it, but for now I am just stuck and lost. I want to be there for my Mum, but I am afraid of showing her just how sad I am because I dont want to make it worse for her. Right now I think I just need to push myself to focus on the now… No matter how hard that is. Micky wasnt a dog - he was a member of a family - our family, and losing him feels just as terrible as losing any other member of that family. Dog or not, he was an amazing friend and family member. I will miss him terribly forever. Hopefully in time the piece missing from my heart will be replaced, but even then he will never be forgotten.

Until next time…

On Saturday afternoon we lost a very special member of our family. Micky was attacked by a cattle dog on Saturday morning and broke his neck. The cattle dog picked him up by the neck with no warning and gave him two massive kill shakes before dropping him in a heap on the floor. Mum rushed him into the vet but it wasnt looking good. The vet didnt want to move him too much so he put him on a heat pad, packed his wounds full of antibiotics and gave him a lot of pain killers. He took some x-rays of him a few hours later and shortly after Micky slipped away in his sleep. The x-rays showed breaks in his vertebra and he would have been fully paralyzed. I went in to visit him a few hours before he passed away and he couldnt move at all. He only moved his eyes to look at me while I was talking to him. He let out a few soft moans and tried to fight for his life…

Mum and I went through his things yesterday and collected smooth river pebbles to mark out his grave under the pine tree next to Abby. We also ordered granite headstones for both Abby and Micky - something we had been meaning to do for Abby for some time now.

I just cant stop thinking about him… I cant believe he’s gone. It’s so surreal. Micky was just larger than life - even at 3 kilos! He was such an amazing dog… No, he was an amazing family member. He wasnt just a dog - he was well and truly part of the family. I can barely describe how I feel without him here. The world just feels like a much emptier place without him. I dont think I can write any more about it right now… Maybe later.

I love you Micky.

Oh my GOODNESS! I have been sick for sooooo long! First it was the spider bite on my eye, then the flu while Dad was visiting (which stuck around long after he left grr) then a stomach flu! I had only one day of relief in 2 weeks from sickness (finally no sore throat!) when the stomach flu kicked in. To top it off, Adam had come to visit for Easter when I got it. Go figure! We went out for dinner and a few drinks, came home, had sibling ping-pong matches then BOOM - sick. I have never thrown up so much in my life. Yay. But, I am pleased to announce, that as of today, I am officially BETTER! *happy dance*

Mic and I are off to look at a house now, so I’ll report back later to tell blog land how it all went… la di daaaa!

Wow, I havent written in here in a while now… I have been sick for over a week now which totally sucks!!! I was fighting it off for a week and not letting myself get 100% sick, but last Wednesday afternoon it all hit me like a tonne of bricks… Sore throat, joints, back, skin, fever, etc etc etc… I stayed in bed for 3 days trying desperately to get better for Dad’s visit on Saturday but I was still gross when he got here. Luckily I took a million vitamins and cold and flu tablets to try to stay awake/focused/not melting into a pile of goo. Seemed to work ok too!

It was SO nice to see my Dad… I miss him so much every day now that he lives in New York. It had been 5 months since I had seen him but it felt like forever. My only concern now is that he wont be back for a visit any time soon… I hate not being able to see him whenever I want… It’s so weird. I am so close to my father and enjoy every single minute I spend with him so it’s hard for me to be away from him for such great lengths… (I know, I know… Grow up, right?) It’s such a shame that he was so busy in Australia while he was here and I only got to see him for a grand total of 18 hrs… 8 or so of those hours were spent sleeping also. I loved having him stay with me at my home. It was so nice just to see him sit on my couch! Hopefully next time he comes to visit I can steal him away for at least 24 hrs… Hopefully a few days!! But I’m not complaining, at least I got to see him!!!!

I think Michael has always been a little intimidated by my Dad. He loves him and they get along very well, but I think there has always been a little element of fear there with Mic. It was so nice to see them hug and chat whilst dad was here this time - it seems like that fear has totally disappeared! Mic even commented to me on how much he enjoyed my Dads company and how he was able to have a proper conversation with him for once without being nervous. I hope Dad noticed too.

Adam and Nathan were supposed to come and visit us with Dad also which would have been lovely, but they both pulled out at the last minute. Adam had some work commitments which is totally understandable. So proud of him - he’s doing so well and enjoying it so much! I would have loved to have seen him, but we speak on the phone a few times a week so I guess that’s ok. I hope he can come soon though… At least before he and Michael disappear off to watch the wrestling in Melbourne haha!

Nathan had some sort of exam he had to study for back in Sydney so he couldnt make it either. I was disappointed that I didnt get to see Nathan because I feel like I havent seen him in such a long time. I saw him at Amy and Tom’s wedding but it felt like he sort of avoided me all night for some reason. It seemed like he was more comfortable talking stocks with complete strangers that sit and have a silly catch up with his little sister. Since the wedding in February I have tried to call him a few times, but have got no return phone call. I havent left messages as I dont like his weird answering machine service, but I assume he would have seen a missed call(s)? Finally I got through to him last Friday and it was totally awkward. He’s just so serious all of a sudden! I know he has this big time job and is oh-so-important now, but I hate that he cant just sit and laugh and joke and be silly together anymore. A part of me feels like I am losing my brother… I dont know this guy who is on the other end of the phone… I just want my Nathan back!

Anyhow, enough rambling for now… I should probably go do my chores and take some more flu meds so I can be better for the cooking session with the best Mother-in-Law in town this afternoon… So excited!!

Until next time blogger land!