The topic of starting a family has come up quite often with my husband and I over the past 4 years. We have always been sure that we wanted to have children quite young and always assumed that as soon as the wedding was over we would start trying for children. We both loved the fact that we saw eye to eye on being young parents and both shared that desire… After our wedding we sat down to speak about our original plan to start a family right away. Quickly, we both agreed that it wasn’t the right time. Neither of us felt ready to take that step, so we put the idea of children safely back in its box, ready to be pulled out again at a later stage.

A few months ago we were having a family BBQ. Mic picked up our niece, Gabrielle and instantly teared up. He sat with her for around an hour with tears in his eyes and this big, goofy smile full of love and longing. Later that evening, in the privacy of our own home, Mic put on his serious face, made me a cup of tea and sat with me to chat. Now, for anyone who knows Michael, the ’serious face’ is not a regular occurrence. When it appears you know something big is coming… He started telling me at a million miles an hour that in that instant that Gabrielle looked at him he knew he was ready for children of his own. He went on to say that he “just knew” and “there is no way of explaining the feelings, its just there!” At this point I started to feel frightened. I hate to upset and disappoint my husband as he is just the sweetest thing in the world, especially when he is being serious about something and speaking from the heart, as it really doesnt happen very often. I told him I just wasnt ready, but I would think very hard about it.

Weeks past and Mic kept talking about babies… throwing it into almost every conversation… In the supermarket he would stop at the itty bitty baby clothes and coo over them… This pushed me away from the idea of babies even more as it just felt so full-on and scary!

Skip ahead to February… We had 3 rather unfortunate “accidents”, all of which (I realised later) were when I was ovulating (I am not on any birth control and I like it that way). I started to freak out a little and run through a lot of “what if’s?” in my head. Over the next 2 weeks the situation forced me to deal with the (slight) possibility that I may pregnant. My reaction to this surprised me to no end… I thought, if i were pregnant, maybe it wouldnt be the worst thing in the world? Maybe I wouldnt freak out and run for the hills as I would have surely done a few months prior. Maybe I would even be excited?! But on the other hand, if I werent pregnant, I would be disappointed. When my monthly visitor was 3 days late that month I started to really consider that this may be a possibility… Until the next day.

The thing that I realised was scaring me the most was telling my parents! I understand that a young, unmarried girl in high school may be frightened of telling their parents something like this, but a married women shouldnt be. Both of my parents have, on separate and many occasions told me that I should consider having an IUD put in. This is something I absolutely will not do - children or no children. It’s not even an option for me. I am not 100% sure why both of my parents really dont want me to start a family yet but I assume it’s because they feel I am too young, inexperienced, and don’t have enough money.

I understand all of their concerns, but this has become a huge issue for me. I am now totally paranoid of even talking to either of them about the possibility that I will have children one day. The thought of it gives me butterflies. I spoke to my Mum the other day and told her that it bothers me and that I hope, when the day comes that I do get to tell her I am pregnant that she smiles and hugs me and is totally supportive and happy (even if she has to fake it), rather than tell me it’s not a good idea. I love my parents more than a normal amount I think… I just absolutely adore them, consider both of them some of my closest friends in the world and admire them every day. They are not just my parents, they are my friends… and I think that also may be another reason I would be so scared of telling them. I really care what they think and feel that I need their love and support even if they don’t agree with something that I have chosen for myself.

Anyhow… The decision has been made to not ‘try’ for children… Just stop actively NOT trying to have them. Whatever happens, happens… Statistically speaking, on average, healthy couples take around 12 months of trying to conceive (TTC) before it actually happens… So if that happens with us for example if it does take 12 months), by the time I fall, we would have been married for 19 months… and by the time baby is born it would be almost 2.5 years… And hopefully by that time I will feel comfortable enough to tell my gorgeous and wonderful Mother and Father.

Until next time, very oddly addictive blogger land!